It was a lovely morning in the valley. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the lambs bleating, and somewhere a cock was whistling merrily. One of the chickens sidled out of the coop and whispered in the cockerel's ear. He spluttered and coughed, and with a sheepish look on his beak, started to crow instead. Someone opened a window and threw a boot at him. He stopped crowing and went inside, muttering under his breath, "...ody daft, what use is one boot on its own, and it's not even my size..."
Across the valley, an alarm-clock radio went off. A sleepy hand felt it's way out from under the duvet and pressed one of the myriad of buttons. The volume of the "Bleep, Bleep" emanating from the alarm trebled. The hand felt about feverishly and pressed another button. This time a large spark flew from the button to the hand with a loud "Crack!". The sleeper leapt out of bed screaming as though he had just been electrocuted (which, in fact, he just had), nursing his hand.
Shaking his head to try and clear it and scratching, he stumbled into the bathroom and peered into the mirror. He wished he hadn't, the sight which greeted him was not pleasant (Not his reflection, which he'd be the first to admit was less than even averagely good-looking, but the combination of dried pus from squeezed zits, splash spots from the taps, dried spit, blood, toothpaste, and the occasional collection of fly guts, along with the rest of the squashed specimen left the mirrored surface with a rather anti- social atmosphere.). He poked his tongue out at his reflection. His reflection tried to grab it. He decided he needed a coffee.
The kettle finally came to the boil as he automatically put a spoonful of coffee and two of sugar into his mug for the third time. Filling three quarters of the mug with cold milk and one quarter with boiling water, he stirred with the spoon until it dissolved (well, mother's always going on about how I need more iron in my diet, so I figure a little steel has gotta be better, right?) then sipped gingerly at the drink. It was so strong it made his teeth wiggle.
"Ahhh... just the way I like it!" he sighed, finally managing to persuade both his eyelids to stay open at the same time. As the caffeine bypassed his throat and stomach and went straight for the brain via osmosis through the roof of his mouth, various secondary functions started to kick in, (i.e. those not concerned primarily with breathing, or keeping the heart and other major organs functioning). He realised it was a nice sunny morning outside, and it being Good Friday, he had a whole four days ahead of him to do whatever he liked. Thing was though, what? He decided it was such a nice day outside that he'd better not risk getting skin cancer, so he'd better stay indoors and play on the computer. If the day brought anything better to do, then he'd think about it. Meanwhile he had that new adventure to play. Should keep him occupied for a while.
O.K., for those of you who don't know him, whilst he's occupied and doesn't realise what I'm up to, let me introduce our intrepid hero. Although I think that's probably stretching the trade descriptions act somewhat. He's certainly more "insepid" than "intrepid", and as for "hero", well look on it as a misspelling of the word "nerd". He's short, ugly, spotty and wears glasses. A pale complexion and short skinny stature barely the fact that he is surprisingly physically active, enjoying caving, sailing and horse-riding amongst other activities. Oh yeah, and for the purposes of this story, we call him Llama - (a nickname resulting from his college days, please see sub-note 1). His best friend is a guy called Percy, (not his real name, see sub-note 2). We'll get to meet him in a minute or two. meanwhile, back to the story.
He sat down at the desk. He leaned across, and started switching things on. Five minutes later, he'd managed to get Bon Jovi playing on the CD and the computer was sat there telling him to stick a disk in it. He ignored the computer's suggestion and slid a disk into the drive instead. He noticed something different almost immediately. Instead of the usual intensely irritatingly twangy music, and nauseatingly daft messages left by the cracking crew that normally came up after a few seconds loading, a sinister "Wom, wom, Wom, wom" came over the speakers and a single white dot appeared in the centre of an otherwise black screen (He completely failed to notice that he had not in fact turned the CD off and the hi-fi over to the computer sound, and that it seemed to have done all this by itself.).
The "Wom, wom, Wom, wom," grew louder, and the single white dot began to flicker, spinning rapidly and expanding to fill the whole screen with a myriad of cycling, swirling colours. He just sat there, mesmerised - he'd never seen an intro like this before. All of a sudden, it stopped, the noise stopped, and he blinked hard, and shook his head. The computer flashed a couple of times as it tried to reset itself, then gave up trying and displayed the most unhelpful and incongruous error message it could think of.
"Oh bugger, it's crashed." thought Llama to himself, and in disgust yanked the disk form the drive and threw it across the room. Instead of hitting the wall and falling onto the pile of other offending disks, it sprouted wings and flew out of the window. "I S'pose that must be what people call a flappy disk" he muttered to himself, and winced.
Percy was sat in his room, staring disbelievingly at a blank screen. It wasn't that he had trouble believing that the screen was blank, it was more what was on the screen before it went blank that he was having trouble in believing. Quite what that was, I can't tell you, but needless to say he was having serious difficulty in acknowledging the fact that whatever it was had actually been there. He reached over, picked up the phone and dialled Llama.
"Oh hello." said Llama. "let me guess. you just loaded up this latest adventure, right, and something totally unbelievable happened."
"I'm Psychic today" replied Llama. "Besides, I've just been playing it myself. Hold on, I'm coming over." and with that, he concentrated hard, imagining himself at Percy's.
"I wish I knew" said Llama. "I mean, I knew I could do it, but I don't know how I did it, or how I knew I could do it... I just, well, did it!"
"Since when has anything I've ever done been entirely natural?" asked Llama. "Besides, I told you I was Psychic today. Teleportation and telekinetics are supposed to be psychic abilities"
"Yep. And when I went to the fridge to get a can of John Smith's, it started pleading for it's life."
"How about that thing down there, in the garden? Garry will be pissed, he's just got the garden tidied up!"
After a mad scramble out the door and down the stairs, and finally managing to negotiate the front door, the gruesome twosome poked their heads out from behind Percy's car, where they were hiding.
Bits of flying Masonry whistled past his ears. After a while they stopped whistling and flew off to find a more appreciative audience.
"ARG. GA. Ga. Blurgh. My.... my... my.. my computer! my baby! My lifeblood!"
"Oh yeh, I can just see the claims form now - CAUSE OF DAMAGE: Small green Alien with large ray gun. They are really gonna buy that one!"
"My names Percy, not Toto, and we've never even been to Kansas. And will you PLEASE stop with the film quotes! Now, explain!"
"Look, somehow, someway, we have been transported into an alternative reality, another dimension if you like, where normal rules don't apply."
"I don't know. I don't even know how we got here, let alone how we're going to get back, or even where we are. But then, who wants to go back? This dimension looks like fun!" "I want my computer!" wailed Percy. It appeared, as if by magic, unharmed in his arms. He cradled it gently, and made soft cooing noises.
"Come on" said Llama, "Let's get out of here, before that little green guy works out that he missed! You drive."
As they were driving along, they noticed all sorts of strange things happening around them. A Zebra crossing snorted and ran off, a lamppost cocked it's leg and pissed on a dog, and they had to swerve sharply to avoid knocking down a man-hole, who was staggering drunkenly down the middle of the road. A woman-hole came out of a nearby house and started shouting and screaming at him.
"I think I just figured out where we are..." said Llama, "and I'm not too sure you're gonna like it"
"I think we're in someone's imagination" said Llama. "And worst of all, I think I know who's."
"Oh shit." muttered Percy under his breath. "Then how come that little green guy was trying to kill us? I mean, if it's your imagination we're trapped in, why are you trying to kill yourself in it?"
"Ummm... I don't know. What I do know is, this isn't the healthiest place to be! I mean, there's stuff in here that even I'm scared stiff of. I do know one thing though - if this IS the inside of my imagination, then I know where we need to go to try and sort all of this out!"
"Just head south for the beach." replied Llama. "and be prepared for some really weird shit."
It is at this point in the story that our heroes are about to separate, and head off in separate directions. I don't want you to worry tho', cause they're both gonna have some weird adventures, then their gonna meet back up and try and straighten out this whole damn mess between them. I'm just telling you this now, cos things are going to get a little hairy later on, and probably very muddled.
Percy pulled his car up at the sea wall next to the beach and switched the stereo off. "O.k., we're here. So what now?" he asked Llama.
"Well, you see that island out there" said Llama, pointing. "We've gotta get out to it. Any ideas how?"
"Hey, this is your imagination," replied Percy, "haven't you got a boat or something?"
"Let's go and find out!" said Llama, climbing out of the car and walking off down to the beach.
"One, it's too far, and Two, you really wanna risk swimming when you know how filthy my imagination is? No thanks! Come on, let's find a boat or something!"
"Well," said Percy, "I just found the 'or something'. One question tho'. What the fuck is an Apache helicopter doing on the sodding beach in your imagination? I mean, have you been playing too much Desert Strike or what?"
"Umm, alright," replied Llama embarrassedly, "Ummm, do you remember much of the manual from 'Gunship~? Like, I mean, how to fly this mother?"
"Are you kidding? What do you think my name is, Yeti? You know me, I hate flight Sims, they're boring. And if your flying is anything like your driving, there is NO way I am getting in that thing with you!"
In the end, they both agreed that his flying was not quite as bad as his driving, though almost. After experimenting as to whether or not it was easier to fly a helicopter backwards, sideways, upside down and finally under water (fortunately this last occurred about a hundred metres from the shore of the island, so they were able to swim to safety) he did actually manage to land - (well more sort of sink, really) - the helicopter on the seabed in one piece (which was more than he'd ever managed with a car - landing it in one piece I mean). Admittedly it was on one side, and a couple of the rotor-blades were a bit bent, and it would certainly never fly again, but it was in one piece. As they sat on the shore, drying out in the sun, they looked back across the bay to the shore they had come from.
"Did it really take us nearly two and a half hours to cross such a small distance?" asked Percy, incredulously. "I think we would have been quicker - and drier - if we'd swim across after all!"
"Hmmmph!" snorted Llama, and standing up, brushed the sand off of his jeans. "You coming?" and with that, he started walking up the beach, along the bottom of the cliffs that surrounded the edge of the island. After they had been round the entire circumference of the island for the third time, they both agreed that there was not a path up the cliffs.
"Oh well, we'll just have to climb it then" said Percy. "Better be careful - it doesn't look safe."
"Eh? looks solid as a rock to me" said Llama, starting to climb up the cliff face. When he got about fifteen feet up, and as far over to his right again, he slipped. The short "Aarrggghhhh!" was muffled as he disappeared from sight into the rock just below where he was climbing, followed shortly by a stream of very invective but totally unintelligible curses. Soon after his head poke out of the rock face, seemingly dis- embodied.
On the other side of the illusion was a reasonably sized cave. A small twisting passageway led off from the back of the cave, and was well lit from the other end, suggesting that it led straight back out into daylight on the back-side of the cliff. Cautiously the Perilous Pair made their way down the short passage and emerged into daylight.
The interior of the island was incredible. Although only about ten miles across in diameter, it seemed much larger. The cliffs formed a wall round a giant bowl, filled with a steaming jungle. At one point about a mile away from them a waterfall cascaded down the cliff-face, into a pool which in turn fed off into a small river which meandered through the middle of the jungle until it disappeared into the rocks the other side of the bowl. Birds twittered, insects buzzed and clicked, iridescent butterflies flitted between large, richly coloured, strange- looking flowers (Occasionally a flower would snap it's petals shut about a visiting insect, and digestive sap would fill the bowl of the flower and drip slowly from between the clenched petals.).
"You like it, huh?" replied Llama. "All my own work. I mean imagination. Well, you know what I mean..."
"I call it Xank. It's my - well, it's my 'safe' place. If I'm ever having trouble getting to sleep, I just imagine myself here, or if i'm having a bad dream, i can usually skip out of it by dreaming that i come here. It's been here a long time, as long as I can remember anyway, possibly longer."
"What do you mean, longer? How can it have been here before you imagined it? It can't have existed before you did, right?"
"Well," explained Llama, "it's like this. I have this theory, right, that the imagination is like a different dimension, but not in our heads - we can just see it sometimes, and control it a bit. But there's some stuff, like this island, which have been here for a long, long time - stuff which other people have also seen. Somehow or other, we've got ourselves trapped over here. A bit like dreaming it all."
"No such luck. If you were, you could just wake up. No, we're gonna have to find some other way out of this. Better head for the waterfall. And keep away from the cliffs."
"Rock-maggots. They only eat stone, but they can cause rock-falls when they hit the surface. And try not to touch any of the plants either. Some of them bite."
Carefully following a small animal trail through the undergrowth, they soon came across a wider, well beaten path. All variety of animal tracks could be seen, as well as something else. Human footprints.
"Look!" pointed Percy. "Someone else is here - barefoot. There aren't any cannibals here or anything are there?"
"Nothing like that!" blushed Llama. "Come to think of it, I think she sort of came with the island. I never have been able to figure out what she's doing here. She just seems to run about a lot, throwing spears and shooting arrows at the wild-life. She usually misses though."
"How do you know?" asked Percy. Just then, right on cue, he stood on one end of a spear that was lying half hidden in the undergrowth. Unfortunately for him, the end of the spear he stood on was just lying across another stick. His weight caused the long end to fly up in the air and hit him smack on the nose.
"OW! I s'dose you dink tha 'loody fuddy!" groaned Percy, nursing his battered face.
"Well I Don't." sulked Percy. "Let's just get on to this waterfall of yours, shall we!"
So they started walking up the path in the direction of the waterfall.
Percy stared hard at the tracks on the path. There was something not quite right with them, but he couldn't for the life of him spot what. There was definitely a warning bell ringing at the back of his head though, and getting louder the more he looked at the tracks. He stopped and got down on one knee to take a close look. The bell become a loud siren, wailing away.
Percy looked up quizzically, then, putting one hand to the back of his head, turned off all the alarms.
"So," said Percy, "I'm not overkeen on the idea of meeting up with whatever it was that ALL the animals in this place decided they wanted to run away from."
"Well," said Llama, "Whatever it is, however bad, it would seem to be in exactly the place we need to get to."
"Ah well. I suppose we had better get going then." And with that, they walked off down the path, glancing warily at the dense jungle on either side. Eventually they came out at the end of the path, which led right up to the pool at the foot of the waterfall they had seen earlier. The water looked cool and inviting. Creepers hanging from the trees around the pools edge trailed in the water, brightly coloured birds flew twittering in and out of the vines that bedecked the cliff to either side of the waterfall, and the spray generated by the churning water caught the rays of the sun and cast a rainbow directly over the falls.
Without saying a word, Llama led the way around the edge of the pool to the base of the cliff next to the falls. Looking up, he began tugging on the vines as if testing them for strength. Several small birds, disturbed by his tugging, flew out from the vine and sat cussing him from a nearby tree- branch. Llama blanched at the foul- language, and glanced apologetically at Percy.
"I'm afraid I taught them to talk, and Lee taught them to swear." He grasped the vine he was holding with both hands, and began to climb. When he had reached about thirty feet or so up, he started to climb towards the falls on his left. Percy was following him, and could see as he drew closer the small ledge behind the rushing water. Carefully so as not to slip on the wet rock, they both edged their way onto the ledge.
It led back into a cave behind the fall, and there seemed to be another much larger chamber further in. It was hard to see exactly how large this second chamber was, because it was so dark.
"Let there be light!" cried Llama, and sure enough, a series of large floodlights flickered on and shed their illumintation.
"Voice activated circuit," he explained. "Welcome to the Llama- Dome!"
Percy gazed round the cavern in awe. From the concrete floor to the vaulted roof must have measure some hundred meters or so, and the room was easily twice that across. A series of platforms extended out from one wall, each level being strewn with all manner of computer and electrical equipment. A myriad of strange- looking vehicles of all descriptions were arranged in stalls along the opposite wall, each vehicle having an impressive array of computer equipment arranged around it, with leads and cables trailing all over the floor between computer banks and vehicles.
"It's re-assuring to see that your imagination is just as much a mess as your flat!" announced Percy.
"Hey, you know me, I don't feel at home if it ain't a mess!" replied Llama. "You want a coke?" He strode across the room to what looked suspiciously like a coke machine and pressed a button. There was a rattle and a clunk, and a can of coke fell into the tray. He pressed a second button, and it was joined by a can of diet coke. throwing the can of diet to Percy, he cracked open the other can, proceeding to wiggle the little ring pull bit until it came right off.
"Those are not supposed to come off" chastised Percy, " it's supposed to prevent litter."
"Yeah, well, they annoy me, Besides, it's my imagination, I'll do what I like!" said Llama, swigging from the can. He started towards one corner of the cavern.
"Fun." replied Llama. "No, but seriously though, didn't you ever imagine that you had a private 'Bat- cave'? This is my den. If I want to, I have the equipment and weaponry to deal with almost anything, all in here."
"Yes, me. It's all bit embarrassing really. I've always wanted to be a vigilante type thingy, but I never had the money to buy the equipment and stuff I wanted, so I settled for imagining I was one instead. I'm actually quite good at it, in here. Stop laughing!"
"I'm sorry," smirked Percy, "It's just the though of you in a silly costume, like Batman or someone. I mean, you don't exactly have the body for it!"
"Hey, watch it," snapped Llama, "I happen to be very attached to this body. It and I have been through a lot together. Anyway, I can imagine I look like Arnie Schwarzenegger if I want - or like Belinda Carlisle for that matter. Besides, I don't wear a silly costume."
"I didn't say I HAD, I merely said I could.... Oh forget it." protested Llama.
"Alright, calm down, I'm only winding you up." soothed Percy, "now, how are we going to work out how to get out of here?"
"Hmmm." pondered Llama. "AMANDA. Construct Program. Two persons have been transferred from their own reality to this one. Determine means by which they may return to their own realty. Access Llama theories on dimensional partitioning, alternative realities, imagination and making coffee."
"She's a computer." explained Llama. "Realistic personality, solid holographic projection, and artificially intelligent."
"Sorry, darling!" apologised Llama. "Didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Run Program."
"Program running. Ooh, that's a toughy. Hmm. Probably take me a little while. Just shout if there's anything you want, dearest!"
"Darling? Dearest?" Percy shook his head. "That's really Sad. That is really, really Sad."
(I apologise for all the recent boring bits. Its been necessary to get some base story down to cover the bits that are coming up shortly. Don't worry, things are bound to liven up sometime - aren't they?)
"Ahem." she coughed. "There's something come up on the scanner I think you should know about."
"Well, I'm not entirely sure," replied Amanda, "It doesn't match anything I've come across before."
"Display" commanded Llama. A hologram of the unknown object appeared floating in the air in front of them. It was dark metallic grey in colour, and looked suspiciously like a flying saucer. In fact, it looked suspiciously like the flying saucer they had encountered earlier.
"Hitch-hikerite." muttered Llama. "Amanda, it's hostile. Engage defence systems, prepare the landing bay, and attempt to capture, repeat, capture, on no account destroy enemy craft. Assume lethal intent of occupant. Oh, and external view of defence systems, let's see what he can get past."
The hologram in front of them flickered and changed to a view looking across the whole basin of the island.
"Someone who quotes too much Douglas Adam's". answered Amanda. "Oh. And why the hell are you attempting to capture him? I mean, he already tried to blow us away once today, why give him another chance?"
"Cos," replied Llama, "If someone is trying to kill you, aren't you the least little bit curious as to why? Besides, we don't know if he's after you or me."
"I think it's a fairly safe bet it's you." countered Percy. "After all, it's your imagination we're trapped in. Besides, I'm pretty sure I've never done anything to upset any aliens I know of. You on the other hand seem to be able to upset people you don't even know exist."
"Hummmpphhh. Yeah. O.k. Well, I still wanna know why this guy is trying to kill me."
In the holographic projection things were happening. Sections of cliff- face around the basin were sliding open and vicious looking weapons silos exposing themselves. To one side of the falls, an huge section of rock slid upwards to reveal a large empty bay. The guns around the cliff- top started to track the strange- looking saucer and fire at it. They didn't hit it though, they always seemed to shoot just a little behind it, or above it, forcing the saucer to swerve and dive to avoid being hit. Suddenly the rocks to either side of the large empty bay exploded, and huge grappling hooks flew out towards the saucer, trailing thick steel cables behind them. As they hit the saucer, they hooked onto various apertures and protuberances on the surface. Some hooks slid over the saucer to fall down, but enough stuck to enable the saucer to be winched, fighting every inch of the way, into the bay. As soon as it was inside, the rock-face slid shut, and the view switched instantly to the inside of the holding bay.
"Give it up" said Percy, "you can't see a thing with all that smoke in there."
"How?" asked Amanda. "That's a completely sealed chamber - the only way to clear the smoke is to either open the outer doors, which I don't think would be a good idea, or the inner airlock, which leaves whatever it is free to wander in here if it feels like it."
"O.k, I get the point." moaned Llama, "Make a note, would you, remind me to install extractor fans. So how the hell are we going to see what's going on in there?"
"Oh, no. Don't look at me like that. I was only joking! Forget it! Aaaarrgghhhh!"
This last comment was screamed as something large, dark green and rubbery flew out of the smoke and landed on the window, sucking itself onto the surface.
"We're going in? Uh-uh. No way! Absolutely not. Never. Ever. Nope." declared Percy.
"Retrieving E.P. suits" announced Amanda. "Oh, and if you think you're going in there without me to look after you, boys, well... Activating Body Program. See you in a minute!"
"Body Program?" asked Percy. "Umm. Don't look at me." replied Llama. "It must be something she's cooked up. I warned you she was artificially intelligent. Did I also mention she's a great cook? I don't know half of what she gets up to any more, I mean, she's on her own most of the time, and she must do something to pass the time."
Llama's jaw hit the floor. His eyes bulged. he stared six inches past Percy's left ear and about four feet behind.
"Environmental protection suit." came Amanda's voice, localised this time to a position about four feet behind Percy's left ear.
Llama bent down and picked up his jaw. Percy turned around and let out a long, loud, wolf whistle of appreciation.
"Thank you." replied the curvaceous brunette in the skimpy little black outfit. Somewhere out in the jungle a pack of wolves started baying. She was holding what looked for all the world like two space-suits that had been in a nasty accident in a robotics factory. She handed one to Percy and threw the other at Llama.
Llama caught the suit. "Thank you" he said as he was bowled over backwards by the weight. After he struggled out from underneath it, he picked himself, and the suit up.
"Stop showing off" said Amanda. "and stop floating four feet off the floor. It doesn't suit you."
Percy was struggling with his suit. "How the hell are you supposed to put this thing on?" he muttered.
"look" said Amanda, walking over and helping him. "You put your left leg in here, see, now your right leg, that's it, and your arms, right, now zip this up, lock this like so, and here's your helmet."
"Thanks." said Percy, "God, I hope I don't have to get out of this thing in a hurry!"
"Yeh, well, I can't seem to get into mine!" grunted Llama, as he struggled to put his left leg into the right arm of the suit and fell over. As he got completely tangled up in the arms, legs, tubes and cables of the suit, he eventually lay still.
"Pardon?" replied Percy "Amanda, can you sort him out? I think he needs a little help."
"I'll sort him out alright" muttered Amanda "Yes, Master, indeed! I've got a few things to sort him out about..."
"Hummph!" snorted Percy. "And you made me put mine on! what about whatever's in there?"
"I'll be alright..." replied Llama, "I know when and where I am going to die, and this isn't it. So like nothing can hurt me."
"You mean nothing can kill you - you could still be hurt, like pretty seriously fucked up, but just not die." retorted Percy.
"It's part of knowing the real secret of life, the universe and everything. Don't worry, I'm kinda looking forward to it. Like, the next big adventure. I think it's going to be fun!"
"I don't know, I've forgotten." replied Llama. "That's all part of knowing it, see. It's so important, so dangerous to know that the secret buries itself right down there in the deepest section of your memory where it won't ever come out, for anything, except when you're about to die. And it knows exactly when that is, so you know when that is as well."
"I see" said Percy, who didn't really. "And when is it, then, when you are going to die? and where?"
"Oh, somewhere around the end of chapter five, in the middle of a large, empty desert."
H'Rutt groaned. His thumping head and queasy stomach told him that he'd had too much to drink again last night, and he'd not slept well - he had had the weirdest dream. Slowly he opened one eye. The bare metal surroundings and consoles of flashing lights suggested that the nightmare hadn't been a dream after all. He opened the other eye. After a few minutes, both eyes settled down and decided to focus in the same direction. Shit. He fervently wished he wasn't quite so hung-over. Naturally he immediately felt worse.
He tried to get up. After a few seconds the signal managed to unscramble itself from his brain and travel down the various neural pathways to his muscles in his arms and legs. His muscles weren't feeling any better than the rest of him, so in response to this totally unfair request to move they decided to spasm and cramp up on him. He tried to scream in agony but his larynx was just as bad. He decided that his best bet was to just lie there for a couple of days until it all wore off. He tried to go back to sleep, but found he was too uncomfortable - his arm had gone dead where he was led on it. He heard a noise behind him - a sort of hum and swish, but he couldn't turn over to see what it was.
He just hoped that it was extremely unfriendly, and would finish him off quickly. Percy stared at the figure huddled on the floor. It was a Huge man, (the term "brick shit house" seemed appropriate) with muscles like sacks full of footballs, and a huge sword strapped to his back. A pavement pizza decorated the floor next to him. On the other side of the room, the small green man who had shot at them earlier lay in several different pieces, presumably the handiwork of the man and his sword.
Amanda wolf-whistled. "What a hunk!" she muttered, kneeling on the floor next to the man and cradling his head in her lap. He groaned. Llama looked furious, but she ignored him.
"Dangerously low blood sugar levels, severe muscular damage to most limbs, probably caused by adrenaline overload, dehydration, low blood oxygenation level, and an unusually high amount of alcoholic toxins in his bloodstream." replied Amanda.
"He got very drunk, he got in a big fight, and he's now very hung-over" explained Llama. "Can you do anything for him?" he asked Amanda.
"Let's get him into a salient tank" suggested Amanda, "I can sort the rest out from there."
Percy and Llama tried to pick the huge man up between them. They couldn't budge him. Amanda took over carrying him under the arms, whilst Llama and Percy grabbed a leg each. Between them they struggled out of the strange alien ship and across the room to a large, bed-sized tank full of bubbling green liquid. After deftly inserting various tubes and wires, they rolled the huge man into the tank. With a large splash, most of the bubbling green liquid left the tank rather rapidly, soaking Llama and Percy right through. It was replaced by more liquid flowing into the tank through a ballcock arrangement at one end. Amanda laughed at the wet-through pair.
"You look like a couple of drowned rats" she explained, giggling helplessly.
"I thought he was just a fictional figure you wrote about" said Percy to Llama.
"Yes," replied Llama, "but remember, we are in my imagination? Well, so is he, if you think about it, and here he is to prove it!"
"Oh shit" said Percy. "You mean
anyone you imagine or think about
could end up in here? Just don't,
o.k., Just don't even think about him.
We don't want
"Shit." they both said in unison. Percy glanced around warily. no sign of him.
"You dumb, dumb, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid stupid bloody fool!" cursed Percy.
"Same thing," replied Llama, "If you tell someone not to look down, what's the first thing they do?"
O.k., time for a (very) quick refresher. Our two friends have, by dint of some very dodgy pirate software, ended up trapped in an alternative dimension, which seems to be modelled on Llama's imagination. This wouldn't be so bad if he had a normal imagination, or any semblance of control over it, but it isn't and he hasn't. They have been attacked by a little green man in a flying saucer, escaped to Llama's imaginary island retreat, where they met Amanda, a high-powered computer with some very nice curves. Having captured the flying saucer, they discovered the occupant had met an untimely death at the hands of H'Rutt, a fictional character that Llama sometimes writes about. H'rutt was however suffering from the Mother of all Hangovers, so the tortuous twosome are letting him sleep it off under Amanda's watchful eye whilst they relax by the pool and discuss what they are going to do next to get out of this awful predicament. In a minute they are in for a nasty shock, and somewhere near the end of this chapter, an even bigger one. Lets join them by the pool...
It was a beautiful pool at the foot of the cliffs, fed by a small waterfall from high above, tropical butterflies fluttered around the beautiful jungle flowers that adorned the trees around the pool. Crickets chirped, birds sang, snakes slithered, and somewhere off in the jungle an elephant trumpeted.
"Elephants?" asked Percy incredulously, "you have elephants here? Why?"
"I don't know" replied Llama, "They came with the jungle. One too many Tarzan movies I suppose."
"You're right about that" said Percy "One Tarzan movie IS too many. So, what are we going to do next?"
"Hi guys" came a dreaded voice from among the trees. Yeti emerged from between the bushes, his long hair only adding to his rather bedraggled look as he brushed it back out of his eyes.
"Hi Yeti. We were wondering where you had gotten to. Come on in!" invited Llama.
Yeti sat down in the water at the edge of the pool, joining the other two.
"I don't suppose either of you two has any idea what I am doing here? I mean, one minute I was at home, enjoying a nice Saturday lie-in, you know, the sort where I don't get up till 4.30pm, next thing I know, I'm in the middle of a steaming jungle, with some mad girl trying to stick me with a spear and herding me off in this direction. Then I meet you guys. So what's happening?"
"It's all HIS fault!" cried Percy, pointing an accusing finger at Llama. It's HIS sodding imagination!"
"Um, well, see, it's like this..." explained Llama. And he did. In glorious, and over elaborated detail. About three quarters of an hour later, when he had finished and the other two had stopped yawning, he asked, "say, did you say a mad girl with a spear? Did she have long blonde hair, wearing a sort of leopard-skin swim-suit thingy, like out of a Tarzan movie?"
"Lee." replied Llama. "And I need to talk to her. I think she is the only one who knows what's going on in here. And I think she knows how to sort it all out too."
"Say, if this really is your imagination, can't you imagine up some babes?" asked Yeti, "or at least some beer!"
"Later," replied Llama, "Let's find out what's going on first. Let's go and find Lee." and with that he stood up, and started off down the path into the jungle. The other two hurried to join him.
H'Rutt woke up again. He had the most curious floating sensation, but he didn't mind, because nothing seemed to hurt any more. He must be dead he decided. He was dead, and that's why he was floating, because no-one had to walk when they were dead, they just sort of floated around everywhere. He opened one eye. There was an angel looking back at him. Admittedly, she didn't have the wings or halo, but she must be an angel. Old man Harper was wrong, he thought to himself, I went to heaven, not hell. Hell wouldn't have angels like this. He realised he was lying down, and tried to sit up.
The motion caused the liquid in the tanks to slosh around, and H'Rutt got tangled up in the mess of wires and pipes that seemed to be attached to every point of his body, including up his nose and other orifices. Snorting in disgust (or at least trying to) he ripped the tubes out and the wires off and proceeded to climb out of the tank. He found that opening the other eye helped his depth perception a lot in the manoeuvre.
"Doesn't matter if I'm dead, does it?" replied H'Rutt, looking around at his strange surroundings. I must be dead, he thought, cos this doesn't look like anywhere I've ever seen before - although there is a passing resemblance to the Karpunian temples at Worrima, when I sacked them and rescued that sacrificial virgin - what was her name? That time...
"You aren't dead" said Amanda, "just extremely hung-over. I'm Amanda" and she held out her hand.
"H'Rutt looked at her hand. Like the rest of her it was flawless, delicate, and looked like it would break like china if he shook it too hard. Clasping it gently, he raised it too his lips, and kissed the back of it. Amanda gave him a surprised smile, then held out a towel and said "here, I think you might want to dry yourself off. I'll get you something to wear."
"H'Rutt realised he was naked and blushed. Taking the towel, he dried himself off quickly, then wrapped it round his waist in modesty. It barely reached.
"Here you go" said Amanda, returning with a pair of jeans and a large tee shirt. "These are all I could find."
After hacking off the jeans to turn them into shorts, H'Rutt managed to squeeze into them. Like-wise the tee shirt was stretched to its limits over his muscular frame, and threatened to give way at the seams if he so much as flexed.
"Don't panic, it's safe" replied Amanda, "Here it is." she fetched it from under the tank where they had stored it and handed it to him.
H'Rutt stared at the proffered sword open-mouthed. She was holding it one handed, as if it was as light as a feather. And she wasn't bursting into flames, or anything equally horrible. What he was seeing was impossible. Not only was it a very large sword, which most men would have trouble lifting with two hands, let alone wielding, but it was also magical. It contained the trapped soul of a demon, and would only let the wearer of the special amulet hold it. In return it endowed the bearer with all the fighting prowess, energy and skill of the demon, but demanded the souls of those it slew in combat as payment. Feeding off these souls, the demon became stronger, thus making the bearer stronger, etc. Any living being that touched the sword, whether in battle, trying to steal it, or just out of curiosity, surrendered it's soul to the demon, unless they bore the amulet. By rights, Amanda should now be dead.
"Well?" asked Amanda impatiently, "Are you going to take it, or just sit there gawking open-mouthed all day?"
Weighing it in his hands, he could not understand how a small young woman like this stood in front of him could have lifted it, et alone have waved it around like a mere stick.
Looking it all over carefully, he decided it MUST be the right sword, and slung it off his belt.
"How could you handle it? No living being can come into contact with the sword without and not lose their soul, unless they bear the magic amulet. How did you do it?"
"Well," replied Amanda, "I'm not exactly a 'living' person. I'm a computer. So I guess I don't have a soul."
"Hydraulics tend to be a bit more powerful than muscles" replied Amanda. "It would take too long to explain. Let's just say I'm a lot stronger than I look. A lot stronger than you, even. Anyway, enough talking, I need your help."
"Well, some rather stupid friends of mine seem to have wandered off into the jungle without waiting for me, which wasn't exactly a bright idea. I want you to help me find them, and make sure they don't get into too much trouble. Be warned tho', there's some really weird stuff happening around here."
"Anything for you" answered H'Rutt, "Just lead the way to where you last know they were! I once tracked a Harondian mountain lion across the Karpunian desert and into the Harondian mountains themselves."
"Oh, really? did you catch it?" asked Amanda a touch too sweetly.
Meanwhile, Llama, Percy and Yeti had run into a bit of trouble. Well, to be more exact, they'd run into an awful lot of trouble. After traipsing for more than a mile through steaming jungle, the foliage had suddenly and inexplicably given way to hot, dry desert. In the distance, somewhere on the far side of this desert, could be seen the lonely peak of a single mountain, and wandering off in a dead straight line across the sands towards this distant monolith, were a set of small, bare-foot footprints.
It was whilst following these footprints, steadfastly ignoring the rather alarming animal (and human) skeletons that seemed to become more numerous the further they travelled, that a sand-storm blew up. It is at this point we join them. Luckily, they don't realise that this is just the beginning of their troubles, or they would probably give up right now...
"I can't hear a word your saying. I think I must have sand in my ears." shouted Yeti.
The sand blew at them, stinging their faces and filling their eyes with frit (That's the stuff that's like grit, only finer, and therefore bloody impossible to shift out of your eyes by blinking hard and rubbing).
"Hey, the footprints have bloody well disappeared" Shouted Percy, above the noise of the howling wind. "How the hell are we going to find our way now?"
"I suggest we get to the bottom of this Dune and shelter till it blows over" Yelled Yeti.
At the bottom of the sand dune was a small rocky outcrop, about four feet high and about ten feet long. Digging down into the sand on the leeward side, the three tried to take refuge from the wind and sand. After an hour or two of the constant howling of the wind, the swish of the sand blowing across the top of the rock, and just sitting around doing nothing, all three were fast asleep.
Percy woke up, and tried to spit. God, his mouth was so dry it felt like it was full of sand. He realised that was because it was full of sand, as he suddenly remembered where they were, and the sandstorm. Well, either the storm had blown itself out, or he had gone deaf. It felt like his ears were full of sand too. He tried to move an arm to wiggle a finger in his ear and clean out some sand, and found that he couldn't. Move his arm that is. Opening his eyes, and shaking his head vigorously to dislodge the sand from his face, he noticed that the storm was still raging.
He was buried up to his chin in the sand, with his back to the rock. It was lucky he'd fallen asleep sitting up. He looked round for the others, realising with a pang of worry that he was the tallest of the group. All he could see of Yeti was his hair, sitting on top of the sand like a dead wig or something. Looking the other way, he blinked several times to get his eyes into focus. What were those... Oh shit. All he could see of Llama was a pair of upside down once- white (now a sort of off-brown) Hi-Tec trainers sticking out of the sand.
After pondering it for a while, he decided that since he was still apparently in Llama's imagination, Llama must still be alive. He wished fervently that the same was not true of Yeti. No, that wasn't nice, as much as he disliked Yeti, he didn't wish that he was dead. There again...
There it was. He could have sworn that the rock behind him felt like it was trying to move. It was the same sensation that had woken him up. he glanced round. Must have been his imagination.
Looking at Llama's feet sticking up out of the sand, he couldn't suppress a laugh. It just looked so funny. It was probably only the fact that Llama wore such ridiculously big trainers (in profile, they made him look like a golf-club) that had stopped him from disappearing completely under the sand. The trainers had acted like some sort of float, buoying him up in the sand.
Blinking, he looked again. As he watched, the sand seemed to be draining away from around Llama's feet. Yes, he could definitely see Llama's ankles now. As he watched, the sand disappeared faster and faster, until most of Llama's body was exposed, and fell over. The sand level was dropping away from around him too, now, and glancing over at Yeti, he could see the same was happening there too. He was surprised to see that Yeti was also awake, although, thinking about it, he didn't know why he was surprised. He could now move his arms, so he proceeded to pull himself up out of the sand, which was now dropping away fast. Yeti had done the same, and was now trying to climb up onto the rock. Turning, he saw that Llama was still unconscious, and his body was slipping away towards the centre of the pit which the sand was disappearing into.
Desperately Percy yelled and tried to grab Llama. His shout woke Llama up, and reaching for him, Percy couldn't quite stretch his fingers far enough. Yeti had achieved the rock, and was now hanging from it by one hand, and holding Percy by the ankle with the other.
Llama, hearing Percy's yell, woke up. He had been having the strangest dream, sort of like floating upside down. He noticed the floating sensation hadn't stopped.
As he became aware of his predicament with a start, he flipped onto his belly and started scrabbling through the sand in the direction of Percy's outstretched hand. Despite all his frantic crawling and scrabbling, he still seemed to be slipping back into the ever widening opening. On a mad impulse, he gave up scrambling, and started swimming purposefully instead. Slowly, he started to make his way through the tumbling sand towards his companions and the safety of the rock. four feet, three feet, two feet, come on, almost there, one foot, six inches, stretch for that hand...
Exhausted, his fingers brushed Percy's, and clenching their fingers together in a fireman's grip, he hung there, as the sand swirled past him, and away down into the pit.
Percy hung on for dear life. by now the pit was some fifty feet across, and at least half that deep, with a hole at the very centre, like some immense funnel. Something was emerging from the funnel, something large, and hairy, and with a really vicious-looking mouth. Shit, his arms hurt. Next thing he knew, the arm Yeti was holding had been seized roughly and was being jerked physically skywards. He lost his grip on Llama, and could do nothing but watch him slip and slide inexorably towards that horrible creature as he himself was hauled bodily onto the flying platform.
H'Rutt grunted with the effort as he pulled Percy on board the platform. Yeti was already aboard, sitting back out of the way and rubbing his arm sorely. Amanda was at the controls, at the front of the platform. She glanced back over her shoulder at him, and he noticed the look of alarm in her eyes as she noticed Llama's predicament.
"Hang on, we've got to try and get him!" she shouted, swinging the platform round in a tight arc to fly back over the pit. Llama was sliding closer and closer to the creature at an alarming rate. Swooping the platform down alarmingly, she shouted to H'Rutt "Grab him!".
H'Rutt leaned over the side of the platform, and reached. he got a hand on Llama's arm, and lifted him up.
"I'm sorry!" shouted Llama. "It's time! H'Rutt, Amanda, look after these two. Now get the fuck outta here! It's gonna blow!" and before they could ask him what he meant, he karate-chopped H'Rutt on the inside of the arm, causing him to let go in surprise.
Dropping like a stone, he shouted "See you guys later!" and then landed dead plumb on the creature below, knocking it back into the depths of the hole in the centre of the pit. Unfortunately, because he was clinging to the things face (and screaming a lot) he went with it.
As they flew off and away from the pit, Percy looked back. The sand surrounding it seemed to shiver, then explode outwards. In the centre of the explosion could just be made out a small figure sat astride a monstrous caterpillar-like creature, like a cow- boy riding a bucking bronco, and then they disappeared in a blinding flash as a huge explosion rocked the desert.
The shockwaves of the explosion knocked the platform out of the air, sending all the occupants flying to land sprawling in the sand. Standing up and brushing themselves down, (luckily no-one seemed to be hurt) they all gathered at the edge of the pit to stare at the scorched and blackened sand that was the only testament to what had happened to Llama and the beast.
They all looked at the pit, then at each other, then back at the pit, and they all said "Shit."
(Don't worry, he may have just died, but that's never stopped Llama before. Watch this space for the next "thrilling" (?) instalment of "Llama Chronicles - The diary of a South- American Pack animal." Alternatively, go down the pub and get pissed. Or turn the telly on and let your brain- cells turn to jelly with all the repeats.)
1) Llama got his nickname after an unfortunate conversation in which his looks got compared with "The back-end of a camel". He objected, claiming that camels were dirty, smelly, rude obnoxious and anti-social beasts (a perfect description if you ask me, but you didn't) and that he'd much rather be compared with a more pleasant and socially acceptable animal such as a Llama, (which is a useful pack-animal from South America, where the natives use its wool for cloth and its bones for needles and other tools). The name stuck (there was another reason, but not one I am at Liberty to disclose, or a certain young lady will KILL me). Some people out there will instantly recognise who he is, but for now, he shall remain anonymous.
2) Percy's real name will remain a secret, he knows who he is, but his nickname stemmed from his tall skinny build, and a certain resemblance to a character called "Lord Percy" from BlackAdder II (all tributes to BBC1 & Rowan Atkinson, etc).
End.